My Breastfeeding Journey
I decided I wanted to share this moment, although it is very intimate, I feel very proud of myself and my journey with breastfeeding.
For over 21 months, my body has not been my own. For 21 months I’ve grown a human being, nourished a human being, and protected a human being.
When people asked me, ya know, what’s the hardest thing about becoming a parent, my answer was never “omg, the diaper changes… the crying… the sleepless nights” it was always “breastfeeding.”
No one can really write a book on breastfeeding, yes there are a few tips and tricks, but you don’t know them until you go through them yourself. For all lifestyle changes, everyone reacts differently, every body is different, and that is okay!
“Breastfeeding comes natural.” I think that is the biggest lie anyone could ever tell you. It’s natural after month 3… maybe.
My first month was so rocky. And once I felt like I was finally in a groove, I lost it. The pressure I was putting on myself to be this “can-do-it-all” person with a newborn, was unrealistic. My stress and anxiety reached to an intense level that I almost completely lost my milk supply. I felt heart broken. I worked so hard that last month to continue to provide for my baby and I just couldn’t.
I continued to try. I didn’t know that my stress could make my supply fluctuate, I didn’t know that I may or may not consume so much ice cream and peanut butter for it to have an affect on my supply and how my baby reacted to it. I didn’t realize that while breastfeeding, your body keeps that extra 10-15 lbs from your pregnancy to help protect you while you nourish another human being. I didn’t know my supply would correlate with my cycles. I apparently had no idea how incredible this experience was until reflecting upon it.
I knew some things about the journey I was embarking on, but none of this. And if I could go back and tell myself anything it would be to give myself grace. That I am doing the best that I can. And as selfish as it may seem, that my priority was to keep myself in check to be able to continue to nourish my child.
Breastfeeding and parenting in itself takes you on a whole different mental toll. I could not imagine my life without Colter, I could not imagine going through this journey without anyone else but Zach. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Trying to hold onto these precious milestones he’s hit from his first smile to his first steps. Wanting him to stay little forever, but also counting down the days until his first wrestling match.
My journey has not been easy by any means. I know there were times that I definitely was not okay, and the only thing pushing me through was “Colter is going to be hungry in 3 hours. You can do it.” I know there are nights where I long for him to wake up so I can be close to him and know that we are going to be okay. Breastfeeding, to me, can be such a mental challenge.
A challenge in the fact that my body is still not my own, my body will not bounce back as quickly as others have simply because my body is protecting me while nourishing my baby. A challenge in the idea that I have to drink so many liquids throughout the day to keep my supply “normal.” A challenge in the fact that my baby still needs me, at all hours of the day.
I have sacrificed so much in order to continue to feed my child with my own body (okay, but how cool is that to say?!). Countless hours breastfeeding, long-sleepless nights of cluster feeding as he goes through a growth spurt, the bond that is created from breastfeeding alone… I would do it all again. Even if that means giving up nuts, dairy, and caffeine - I would do it in a heartbeat.
I am here to simply share the ups and downs of my journey in hopes that there may be a mama out there who feels the same way.
Here we are 11 months later with a deep-freeze filled of stored breastmilk, a chunky and healthy baby, and a thriving mama. I hope I can continue to provide for my future children the way that I did with Colter. I am so blessed to have had such an incredible experience that has challenged me to become a better person. I still recognize myself in the mirror. The only difference I see is the strength and courage it takes to become a parent. It’s like an achievement more than anything to me.
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I wrote this back in July of 2023. I was debating on posting it, but I am realizing now that I should’ve because I have felt like such a failure of a mom recently. I knew the day would come when I decided to stop breast-feeding - however my journey didn't end the way I wanted it to. I was thrown into a huge curveball of a mess, I felt trapped and like I couldn’t get out. Stress was something I had to truly work on controlling, and it affected my milk supply so easily. I hated that but I had to do what was best for our baby.
A part of me wanted to be done, thinking it would be easier and that I could start to feel more like myself, but another part of me felt like I failed him. Failed myself - really. Because while I breastfed longer than the average woman does, I still felt like a part of me was missing. I was ripped of an experience where we could end on a happy note. I know there are bigger plans in store for us than this, and there was a reason I ended this journey, but I cannot help but feel like I am missing that bond.
I know that none of that is realistically true, while my son may notice he’s being fed differently - he is still the happiest baby. While I may feel like I am missing a part of me, I know I am happier at the end of the day because of it. Realistically, I did not fail my son. Not even close, I am my worst critic. I didn’t fail myself, my body knew it was time to move on and that’s all the closure I need.
My journey ended at the end of October, due to stress. While I know I did what was best, I feel like I’m grieving. If that’s the right term for it. I hate how this year has flashed before my eyes and yet here we are. I knew this is what needed to happen, I just feel like I haven’t had the time to sit down and think for myself.
I know many mamas’ may not have experienced the same, positive experience that I had. I know many have chosen other options of feeding their child! This journal is not meant to make anyone feel inferior, feel anything other than letting you know who I am, the story behind my business and the person running it!
You are doing a damn good job.
I am not trying to offend anyone or trigger those who may feel differently. Every journey is different, formula or breastfed, we are doing the best we can for our babies. I am in no way an expert, simply sharing what I did and what worked for me!
